First of all, may I say - I love you. Really. For many years of my adolescence I wanted to be you. I was vaguely aware of you while I was growing up - having parents who loved English comedy, but I never really knew who you were until the Vicar of Dibley. I was an over weight 15 year old with dreams of working in the theatre and there you were. Smart, sexy, larger than life and the star of the show. And married to a hot comedian! My friends were dreaming of being Elle Macpherson. I just wanted straight, black hair cut in a bob and an English accent.
No.
Yes!
(I'm sure Ms. Macpherson is a lovely woman by the way.)
So I tried to be glad to see you in the Coles ad. I wanted to be pleased you were on Australian television and raising your profile here once more. But honestly, I'm struggling.
The Coles jingle is so inane and repetitive that the very sound of it makes my hackles rise and even you talking over the top does nothing to help.
Okay, jingle aside this ad has its own charm.
Although I don't think Curtis realises how lucky he is to be felt up by DAWN FRENCH for heaven's sake. Maybe he's playing hard to get.
But you know the ad that has really ruined this series of ads for me? The ad that has left me with a bad taste in my mouth ever since it was first aired? It's this ad.
"Now hold on a minute," I hear you say, Ms French (with your delightful accent), "I'm not even in that ad! That's hardly fair." And I know. IknowIknowIknow but... I can't help it and honest to goodness I don't think it's my fault.
A company runs an ad in the hopes that the ad will create some sort of impression about the company or its product in the mind of the viewer. And they did create an impression. They're fucking idiots. Is singing in tune not fashionable any more? Did the Kindergarten teacher who threw together their choreography get her class to make the big, red hands as well? This ad was soooo bad it has ruined any ad that was destined to come after it.
It's like - you know when one night you have a dodgy kebab, and you kind of know it's dodgy even while you're eating it but you figure 'what the hey' and eat it any way and then you spend three days violently vomiting your guts up until all your left with is greenish bile dripping out of your mouth as you weakly hold on to the toilet bowl like it was some sort of life preserver and you can't eat another kebab for like, six years because even the smell makes you retch? Yeah. That's why I don't like the new Coles ad.
This makes me think "Mmm, chocolate orange."
This makes me not want to watch The Vicar of Dibley.
So Ms. French, I hope that you are not offended by my rant. It's really not about you. Coles ruined its advertising credibility and they are asking you to pick up the pieces. In a few months they will have moved on and you will be on your fabulous way. Here's to that day.
With best wishes and much love,
Bek.
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